Book Review: The Broken American Male

The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him
THE ENTERTAINMENT CRITIC BOOK REVIEW, BY JAMES MYERS
www.theentertainmentcritic.com
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THE BROKEN AMERICAN MALE AND HOW TO FIX HIM
By Rabbi Shumley Boteach
Published by St. Martin’s Press
Publication Date: January 24, 2008
Price: $24.95
320 Pages
ISBN: 0-312-37924-2
Four Star Rating ****
RABBI SHUMLEY IS THE “THE MOST FAMOUS RABBI IN AMERICA” ACCORDING TO NEWSWEEK’S 2006 LIST OF THE TOP 50 RABBIS
AUTHOR OF 19 BOOKS
AUTHOR OF THE INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER, KOSHER SEX.
ONE OF THE HUNDRED MOST IMPORTANT RADIO HOSTS IN AMERICA
THE STAR OF TLC’S HIT SERIES “SHALOM IN THE HOME”
THE RABBI OF OXFORD UNIVERSITY FOR 11 YEARS
LONDON TIMES PREACHER OF THE YEAR 2000
AWARD WINNING SYNDICATED COLUMNIST
WINNER THE AMERICAN JEWISH PRESS ASSOCIATION'S HIGHEST AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN COMMENTARY 2005
WINNER OF THE NATIONAL FATHERHOOD AWARD 2007

“I often find myself thinking about a conversation my mother used to have with my father long ago. I was a little boy growing up in Los Angeles. My parents were not happy together. There was a tense atmosphere at home. My father would come home late just before we kids went to bed. Invariably, he did not come home with a giant smile on his face. He came home a little sullen, a little defeated. Part of this was attributed to his having worked very hard. We did not have a lot of money and my father’s life, as an immigrant who came to the United States barely speaking English was never easy. But exhaustion alone could not explain his unhappiness. Something was bugging him, and my mother sensed it. She understood that no matter what he had, he wasn’t satisfied with it. He always seemed focused on what he didn’t have. Something was always eating at him. I remember her repeatedly coaxing my father to find more fulfillment in his blessings. “Yoav, you have five healthy children. You have a wife who loves you. You have a beautiful family. Why isn’t that enough?” But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. Not enough to make him happy, not enough to make him feel good about himself, and certainly not enough to make him feel successful…”

“It is the men today who are especially broken. From our earliest years men are conditioned to perform in order to become successes. We are never allowed to just be. Whether it’s performing on the sports field, striving to be popular among the girls in class or earning money to impress a boss or peers, we have scant opportunity to simply be human.” (pp 2-4).



This is the most unusual, original and fresh self-help book that I have read in 2008. This book takes a look at an under addressed series of issues, why American Men have lost their ability to inspire and lead their families. Why the Average American husband appears to be a “sports-obsessed ghost” who haunts his own household rather than providing the leadership his family so badly lacks. According to the good Rabbi, men are angry today, and acting out on their anger because they are not allowed to be human beings, but only “human doings.” At our chosen work or profession we are forced to play the role of a dispassionate evaluator, who does not let his emotions or sense of right and wrong become involved in the process. At work, the American Male’s job is to win; to make the most money as fast as he can, without the benefit of normal human emotions. The job is to produce results, not to form relationships. The result according to Rabbi Boteach is that men fail to form deep, intimate relations where their souls are nurtured. They learn that the dispassionate, uninvolved evaluation is required to be successful. The problem is that the American make cannot turn off this process of detached behavior he has learned at school and at work when he comes home. The unloved, detached, disenfranchised, alienated and ultimately rejected father and husband then becomes angry and sometimes violent as a result of the frustration of non-human involvement.

As a result the American man is broken, damaging their wives, families and children. The personal failure we suffer as a result of feeling inadequate and insignificant has threatened the very fabric of our health. By the success standard in American, if you are not a bonus billionaire, no matter how much money, family, or love surrounds you, you are a loser, a failure. He questions if this low self-esteem is behind many of the unexplainable violent acts (Last years’ massacre at Virginia Tech) and mass shootings. Rabbi Boteach makes a very series case that inadequacy is at the root of all anger in the modern American Male. This is a universal problem; he posits that Donald Trump may be the most Broken Man in America.

How then does the American Male cope with his disenfranchisement from humanity, his wife and children? He must compromise. He must settle for other pursuits, sports, women, drugs, alcohol to numb the pain of failure. He settles for escapism vs. the realities of life. Recognition and respect from his peers does not come from nourishing his marriage, helping his children with their homework; this only comes from the dispassionate building of your business, not the passionate building of relationships. Uninvolvement and mind-numbing activities are seemingly the only solutions. Living vicariously through a sports team, the attentions of another woman, alcohol, pornography serve to displace the pain of normal life.



What is the solution to this disengagement that leads to destruction? Rabbi Boteach suggests a five pronged solution:

(1) Professional Achievement (success in the workplace): Why become soulless at work? You can work to strive to make a living and for professional success, but do not turn off your emotions to do it; in other words bring you best intuitive and emotional human judgment with you to work. This should never be more than a 1/5th component of your life. We should work to benefit all of mankind, not just ourselves. We should achieve a balance at work between our achievement and environment.

(2) Making One’s Wife Happy (success as a husband): The Rabbi takes the statement that man was not meant to be alone very seriously. As human beings we crave genuine intimacy and companionship. A soul mate is just the thing to resolve this issue. Sharing our lives with a soul mate is a necessity. Intimacy with such a woman brings us riches, joy and love that constitute a bountiful life. Making her happy is key to successful intimacy;

(3) Inspiring One’s Children (success as a father): The Rabbi feels that we must “seek to inspire and encourage the generation that follows”. If we are successful, then our values and traditions will live forever.

(4) Service to Others (involvement in the community): Devotion to others is the “hallmark of a purpose-driven life.” Involvement in the community, such as your local church, synagogue, with volunteer charitable work. Basically, to be free of our own ego and the shallow pursuits of our own personal gain. To have enough internal freedom that we are able to cast off the shackles of our egos and liberate our potentials in order to achieve true self-determination.

(5) Relationship with God (a spiritual connection): This is our “fountainhead, our source, our origin, our life. It is the appreciation and experience of all things greater than ourselves, things that effect “wonder, awe, and enlightenment” that gives our life purpose and direction.

The good life, posits Rabbi Boteach is the development and balance of these areas.

I found this book to be delightful. You get a feeling when you read Rabbi Boteach book that you are in the presence of a warm, concerned, enlighten man, who is a friend, advisor, mentor and confident. I had a picture in my mind of being inside an old, traditional New York brownstone in his study, talking to him across a throw rug with warm and good smells in the house of wonderful food cooking and his children running about the house playing, but yet a good friend sitting down taking the time to listen to my issues and patiently answering my questions, like a colleague giving advice you cannot find anywhere else. This is a man who has “been there”. He knows about the struggle. He has experienced it himself. Boteach has had the experience of being the broken man he discusses and he has generously given us a path to pursue with answers how to repair the damage. His good-heartedness as a healer comes through on every page. This is good reading for both men and women. It is the call to understand and the means to correct the problems that make this one of the best self-help books on The American Male ever written. This book is a must read. The message in the book is more than just worth hearing, it is essential. “Real greatness is acquired through moral choices, rather than friends in high places.” The rediscovery of what is valuable in life, and his inspiring and workable solutions make this book another winner for one of the best self-help writers in America.